Am I Being Reasonable? - An Interactive Hypothetical

In the world of investigations, whether it be workplace, campus or Title IX, we often run into situations where two people interpret the same events in wildly different ways.  As human beings, our memories can be subjective, and we are constantly interpreting events through the lens of our own backgrounds and experiences. 

In the legal world, everyone is held to the standard of behaving like a “reasonable person.”  Can someone who always makes the best choices and always perceives the world in an accurate way really exist?  The short answer is no.  Everyone perceives the world in a different way and often there is no universal “correct answer” to the situations we come across.  As investigators, however, we are often called upon to carefully assess facts to reach reasoned findings on whether one person’s interpretation of a situation was more reasonable than the other’s.

Try it yourself!  Below are a Complainant’s and Respondent’s accounts of the same events.  When you are finished reading, click the vote button at the bottom of the accounts for one of the following:

·         CIBR—Complainant is being reasonable, and Respondent is not.

·         RIBR—Respondent is being reasonable, and Complainant is not. 

·         EIBR—Everyone is being reasonable, it’s just a difference of opinion.

·         NOIBR—No one is being reasonable here, neither of these perspectives makes any sense!

Complainant

I (female) have been a student at a local University for the last seven years.  I technically have enough credits to graduate as an anthropology major, but I just joined a prestigious anthropology program with a built-in mentorship system that will vastly improve my job prospects if I complete it.

I don’t want to be “that” person, but I have the best grades of anyone in the anthropology program.  I have an intuitive knowledge of human nature, and with my years of research, I know how it has played out over centuries upon centuries of human history.  I knew I would be ahead of all the other students, so I specifically requested to be paired with R (male) as my mentor—a highly respected researcher who rarely takes on mentees.  I knew it was a long shot, so I made sure to talk to him several times before the mentorship pairings were finalized.  I knew I could be a big help to his research with my experience and skills.  Also, if he agreed to be my mentor, I would become a very attractive candidate when I apply for tenured professorships after graduating. 

To my surprise, R agreed to be my mentor!  I couldn’t believe it; he only takes a mentee once in a blue moon.  I did tons of amazing work for him, and I even corrected some of his research mistakes!  I thought we were a great match, collaborating and bouncing ideas off of each other.  But then, a few months into the school year, I realized the REAL reason R chose me as a mentee. 

I could always kinda tell that R was uncomfortable around me. He always seemed a little sweaty and shifty whenever I met with him. I didn’t think anything of it.  He’s from Lebanon, and I know his culture tends to be a bit more conservative, and he might have been nervous to be around a woman as beautiful as me.  (I’m a 9/10, by the way).  But then, a few months into the school year, he made this weird comment about his girlfriend.  It was just after the Thanksgiving holiday, and I was sitting in his office for a scheduled mentor meeting.  No one else was there. I casually asked him how his holiday was.  He told me he spent the day with his girlfriend.  He paused for a minute, leaned over his desk so he was only a couple feet away from me, and stared at me while saying, “I’m grateful to have a VERY happy relationship.”  I left feeling very skeeved out.  I just kept thinking about it all night.  Why would he say that unless he felt like I was threatening his relationship with his girlfriend?  Suddenly it all makes sense.  He had a HUGE thing for me, and he couldn’t hold it in any longer!

Over the next few weeks, it became very obvious.  I share an office with another person in the anthropology program, and R kept “dropping by” to talk about my projects.  He conveniently only did it when my officemate was out and I was alone. He was always so awkward and sweaty!  I just wanted to be left alone at that point, but I kept meeting with him because I didn’t want to hurt my career prospects.

Last week was the last straw.  We were discussing an anthropology article I was reading online, and I asked him to look at a certain paragraph. While I was sitting at my desk and pointing to a paragraph on my computer screen, R leaned over me to look at the screen, with his chin right over my shoulder!  He didn’t touch me, but he was so close and I was SO uncomfortable.  After he left, I was shaking and crying, it was all too much.  The weird comment, the unscheduled one-on-one meetings, and now this. I made up my mind to report him to the Title IX investigations office.

So tell me, AIBR?    

Respondent

This is completely ridiculous. It has been horrible working with C from day one, and I’m going to set the record straight. 

I wasn’t surprised when C approached me at the beginning of the school year to ask to be my mentee.  I have been in this field for 35 years.  I have advanced degrees, published three books – including a textbook used by scholars across the nation, and have several patents on my work.  Even though I am technically a mentor in the specialized anthropology program, my primary role is as a research professor.  For the last six years, I have been working on three high-profile studies that take up the majority of my time.  The publicity from my studies has benefited the University, so there aren’t any issues with me taking fewer mentees than other professors (other profs have three to five mentees a year; for the last six years, I have had one mentee every two years). I politely told C no, I was too busy with my studies.  I thought that was the end of it.

Wow, was I wrong.  C came up to me at least six times over the next week, raising her voice (8/10 volume), and telling me how ridiculous I was being to not want her as a mentee.  Then, she emailed me a 15-page paper on her credentials. I wasn’t impressed (why hadn’t she graduated yet after 7 years???), but I was too embarrassed to tell her no.  I agreed to mentor her, but mostly so she would stop stalking me. 

Working with C was TERRIBLE.  I gave her small side-projects related to my research.  Instead of doing the project, she read through my instructions and tried to correct all the research I had done up to that point.  It was clear she didn’t understand my metrics, but she always smugly returned my work with her own ignorant redlines—without ever actually doing the project I assigned.

I remember talking to her in my office after Thanksgiving.  Yes, I did mention I was grateful to have a happy relationship, but only because we were chatting about the different things we were grateful for (it’s Thanksgiving!).  I can’t even imagine how someone would interpret that to be romantic or sexual.  I don’t remember if I leaned towards her, but I definitely didn’t stare creepily or anything.  I made eye contact, like a normal human.    

Yes, I did have a few impromptu meetings with her in her office over the next several weeks.  I don’t remember if she was alone or not.  I just had a few clarifying questions about her projects, and it’s not unusual for me to drop by someone’s office.  I definitely did NOT wait until she was alone to talk to her.  I would have talked to her even if her officemate had been there.  I’m offended by C saying I’m awkward and sweaty, and therefore in love with her?  No one’s ever had the audacity to tell me I sweat too much.  I don’t understand her at all.   

And yes, I did lean over her shoulder to read from her computer screen. It was only because SHE refused to move out of the way while she pointed to a paragraph she wanted me to read. She could have rolled her chair out of the way so I could step closer. She could have just emailed me a link to the article.  She put herself in that situation.  Which, by the way, wasn’t any kind of situation at all.  I didn’t touch her. It was not sexual.  It was not romantic.  I am not in love with her.  She is delusional.

Can’t you see I’m being the reasonable one?