Am I Being Reasonable?
In the world of investigations, whether it be workplace, campus or Title IX, we often run into situations where two people interpret the same events in wildly different ways. As human beings, our memories can be subjective, and we are constantly interpreting events through the lens of our own backgrounds and experiences.
In the legal world, everyone is held to the standard of behaving like a “reasonable person.” Can someone who always makes the best choices and always perceives the world in an accurate way really exist? The short answer is no. Everyone perceives the world in a different way and often there is no universal “correct answer” to the situations we come across. As investigators, however, we are often called upon to carefully assess facts to reach reasoned findings on whether one person’s interpretation of a situation was more reasonable than the other’s.
Try it yourself! Below are a Complainant’s and Respondent’s accounts of the same events. When you are finished reading, click the vote button at the bottom of the accounts for one of the following:
CIBR—Complainant is being reasonable, and Respondent is not.
RIBR—Respondent is being reasonable, and Complainant is not.
EIBR—Everyone is being reasonable, it’s just a difference of opinion.
NOIBR—No one is being reasonable here, neither of these perspectives makes any sense!
Complainant
I (female, she/her pronouns) started working at Resty Restaurant about three years ago. I started serving when I was 16 years old, and I’m 26 now. At the time, Resty’s felt like a good fit for me. As a mom and a wife, I could only work weekday evenings and weekends when my husband could take care of the kids. Resty’s agreed to accommodate my schedule when I was hired. For the past three years, Resty’s has been a great gig for me. I work hard, and I was quickly promoted to shift lead. I really liked the staff, too.
And up until a few months ago, I considered the manager, R (nonbinary, they/them pronouns), to be one of my closest friends. We met about a year after I started at Resty’s. R is 32 and has been managing restaurants for years. They were hired as a manager, and I was relieved when I finally had a boss that I liked! R is married with kids, too, so we bonded over our experiences. We worked together during my weeknight shifts. We also texted a lot, because I don’t have much time to see friends outside of work. We mostly vented to each other, and leaned on one another for support when our families were having challenges. Rarely, we went on double-dates with our partners.
My perception of R began to change a few months ago when they started flirting with me. A little bit about me, I need caffeine but I can’t have too much or else I feel sick, so I drink tea. Luckily, there’s a tea shop right next door to Resty’s. Sometimes, during my 10-minute break, I walked next door to get a cup of tea. Every time I went next door, to be polite, I asked R if I could bring them a tea. Then, a few months ago, when I started showing up to my shifts, I had a tea waiting at my cubby in the back. At first, I thought it was kind. Then, R told me they got me the tea because receiving gifts was my “love language.” Mind you, R is bisexual, so they probably had a crush on me. The situation raised a red flag for me, but I thought, “I’ve had friends with crushes on me before. I’ll just play it cool, and hopefully it will blow over.”
It did not blow over. In fact, the situation got worse. About two months ago, R started complimenting me on my appearance. The first time, I was wearing a red shirt when they said, “I really like that color on you.” Then, their eyes lingered on my body! Ew! The second time, they said, “Looks like those Zumba classes are paying off!” I felt so uncomfortable that they believed they could comment on my body. Even if it were a compliment, they shouldn’t be talking about my weight loss at work. It was so inappropriate.
About a month ago, I knew I had to report what was happening to me when R started changing my shifts. As I mentioned before, I always worked Monday and Wednesday nights and double shifts on the weekends, so I could care for my children during the weekdays. This has been my schedule for three full years. R obviously knew this, because they created the weekly schedule. Three weeks ago, my shifts changed. For two weeks, I was scheduled to work Monday through Friday lunch shifts. R took away all of my weekend and evening weeknight shifts. Interestingly enough, R happened to work Monday through Friday double shifts. So, every day I was working, so was R. I told R I needed my old schedule back, so I could care for my children. They said they would fix it for the next schedule. Wow, was I wrong to believe them. The next schedule came out, and I was still scheduled for Monday through Friday lunch shifts!
At this point, I knew this had to stop. R was monopolizing my time to keep me away from my husband and my children. And of course, now I have the shifts that make less tips. Their behavior was now affecting my family and my work. I was uncomfortable with them coming onto me, and now I’m angry that their behavior is impacting my income. I just want my shifts back, and I want R to stop being a creep!
So tell me, AIBR?
Respondent
I can’t believe C would make these accusations against me. We’ve literally been best friends for the last two years. And, if anything, C has been the one coming onto me! For years, C has texted me all day long. I really, really can’t believe this.
When I first met C, we hit it off as friends. We worked together on the weekends, and as I said, texted most days. She texted me throughout my weekday lunch shifts, talking about how she was spending her time with her kids. Honestly, it felt weird at first. I thought, “Why aren’t you texting your husband this stuff?” I figured C just really didn’t have any other friends than me, so I kept engaging. We were really close friends for years.
Yes, I remember bringing C tea during her shifts, but I was only doing it to be a good friend. Honestly, though, it felt like C was coming onto me. She asked me nearly every day we worked together if I wanted to go with her to get tea. I kept telling her I don’t even like tea, but she kept asking me out!
Did I start getting her teas before her shift? Yes. But only because she was so busy with her young kids. My kids are more grown up now, so I have more time on my hands. I would have loved if someone kept me caffeinated during those years!
The “love language” comment? Yeah, I made that comment. I only said it because she specifically told me her love language was small gifts, and she liked when her kids made her trinkets. I thought I was being thoughtful by remembering that about her. Love languages don’t just apply to romantic relationships. Clearly, she said she liked when her kids showed their appreciation in that way. Just because I’m bisexual doesn’t mean I had a crush on her; that’s an awful stereotype! Sorry I’m a good friend!
Did I tell C that I liked the color of her shirt? Probably, but is that a crime? As I said, we were best friends! It is totally normal to compliment a friend on her outfit. C did the same thing to me all of the time. And I DEFINITELY did not stare at her body. I wouldn’t do that. That doesn’t sound like me.
I honestly can’t believe C would take my “Zumba” comment out of context like this. She is setting me up! The night before, she texted me when she was heading home from a Zumba class. She told me she was working on “losing the baby weight.” So, it’s okay for her to say it, but I can’t? Wow… I can’t believe I was friends with her for so long, and this is what she truly thought about me.
I admit that I changed C’s schedule, but I had to because it was best for the business. Summer had just started, and the college students were coming back home to work at Resty’s. Some of these students worked at Resty’s for longer than C and I had. I had to make room for the more desirable shifts. C can’t honestly expect to have the best shifts for three years. Schedules change at restaurants all of the time, and not everyone is going to like their schedule every week. That’s the reality. I know C is just making all of this up to make me look bad so she can start working the weekends again.
Can’t you see I’m being the reasonable one?
Missed the last Am I Being Reasonable? We’ve got you covered. Click here for the previous of our AIBR series.