Am I Being Reasonable? Second Scenario - An Interactive Hypothetical

In the investigative world, we often run into situations where two people interpret the same events in wildly different ways.  As human beings, our memories can be subjective, and we are constantly interpreting events through the lens of our own backgrounds and experiences. 

In the legal world, everyone is held to the standard of behaving like a “reasonable person.”  Can someone who always makes the best choices and always perceives the world in an accurate way really exist?  The short answer is, no.  Everyone perceives the world in a different way and often there are no universal “correct answers” to the situations we come across.  As investigators, however, we are often called upon to carefully assess facts to reach reasoned findings on whether one person’s interpretation of a situation was more reasonable than the other’s.

Try it yourself!  Below are a Complainant’s and Respondent’s accounts of the same events.  When you are finished reading, vote for one of the following:

·         CIBR—Complainant is being reasonable; Respondent is not.

·         RIBR—Respondent is being reasonable; Complainant is not. 

·         EIBR—Everyone is being reasonable; it’s just a difference of opinion.

·         NOIBR—No one is being reasonable here; neither of these perspectives make any sense!

Complainant

I (male, 28) joined Widget, Inc. about two years ago to work as R’s Executive Assistant.  I can’t say I wanted to join Widget.  I earned my Ph.D. in chemistry three years ago.  I tried to get a job in the field, but I was even more desperate to keep food on the table for my daughter.  I am a single father, and I couldn’t afford to keep looking for the perfect job.  I have excellent organizational skills (it’s what kept me alive while writing my dissertation), so on a whim I applied to Widget as an Executive Assistant.  I got the job, and it pays the bills. 

You probably haven’t heard of Widget.  They only have one office in the United States, but they are a HUGE business with their home base in China.  R is the CEO over all United States operations.  I don’t know if it’s cultural or not, but when I first started at Widget supporting R, I was completely shocked by the lack of professional boundaries. R expected me to do EVERYTHING for him.  In the last two years, the endless list of tasks I did for R included (but were not limited to)—taking his dog to the vet, taking his laundry to the dry cleaners every week, driving him to personal dinners, washing his car, scheduling his weekly massage—I’ll stop here.  I thought about quitting so many times, but the thought of not being able to feed my daughter always stopped me.  Besides, I talked to other Executive Assistants who work out of Widget’s China base, and they all agreed they were expected to take care of similar tasks for the executives they supported. 

Everything felt okay for the first year (even with that crazy task list), because I didn’t feel like I was being singled out.  That all changed about a year ago when R and I had a personal conversation.  I was driving R to a company-sponsored gala for our business partners.  It was a four-hour drive, so of course we started talking about our personal lives.  I shared with R that I was having trouble with my homophobic family, because I am openly gay and they don’t approve of me raising my daughter by myself.  I was really just venting my frustration, but R was silent for a really long time.  I can’t say for sure if he was looking at me, because I was driving with my eyes on the road, but I could FEEL him looking at me.  R finally shared that he is bisexual, but feels like he has to keep it a secret from everyone.  I’ve spent my fair share of time in the closet, so of course I could empathize with him. 

But then, R said something that just felt really… off.  R said, “You know, I have quite a few male friends back in China, but I don’t have any here in the United States.  How do you think I should make friends here?”  I was instantly uncomfortable.  Was he suggesting he wanted to be “friends” with me?  It just felt sexual, weird, off, and gross.  He said it immediately after our conversation about our sexualities; I don’t think there was any other way to interpret it.  I tried to steer him away by suggesting online matching services for making friends.  R just said, “Oh,” and our conversation stopped dead.  I was so relieved when we made it to the gala—I just needed to be away from R. 

I tried to brush it off, but things just got weirder after that car ride.  Every time R came into the office, he gave me a big hug.  I see R every day because I manage every aspect of his day.  So for the last year, it’s just been hug after daily hug.  The weird thing is, I have never seen him hug anyone else!  He frequently has meetings and dinners with his fellow executives from China, and they never touch each other.

I just kept tolerating it to keep my job, laughing at R’s jokes and making sure our relationship was good. I decided to talk to HR a few weeks ago when R gave me my corporate Christmas gift.  He got me an Oyster Perpetual Rolex—worth $5,700!  That’s not the type of gift a boss gets one of his employees.  I couldn’t keep ignoring the creepy sexual overtones in our relationship.  I just want it to stop, but I don’t want to lose my job.  To help me navigate this issue, I’ve retained Peter McFearson from Peterson, McFearson, McFearson.  He’s had a lot of success representing plaintiffs against big corporations, so I’m confident he can help me.   

AIBR?          

Respondent

I (male, 56) am truly shocked and hurt by C’s complaint.  I know you’re expecting me to say C is a horrible assistant and I never should have hired him, but it’s the complete opposite.  C is by far the BEST assistant I’ve ever had.  He has this way of anticipating what I need, before I know I need it.  With my busy schedule and constant trips back and forth to China, I don’t know what I would do without him. 

I don’t just value C because of his excellent performance.  Until I learned about his complaint, I honestly considered him my closest personal friend in the U.S.  We talked about our personal lives almost every day, and relied on each other for emotional support.  C told me about his daughter, and how he worries about taking care of her as a single parent.  I talked with C about the huge pressure I am under to succeed as an executive in the U.S., away from my home in China.  We’ve laughed together; we’ve cried together.  To say I’m shocked by this complaint is an understatement.   

Yes, I suppose you could say I’ve asked C to handle my personal matters as part of his work responsibilities, but to view it that way is twisting the truth.  As an executive, I work close to 16 hours a day.  To do my job, it’s basically a requirement that I have no personal life.  Widget pays for me to have an Executive Assistant to handle my personal matters, so I can focus on work.  In other words, it is C’s JOB to handle my personal affairs.  This type of position is common in our China locations—I don’t know why C is bringing that up. 

I did share with C that I am bisexual on the drive to the gala for our business partners.  I had never shared that secret with anyone at Widget, but I felt like I could trust C with my secret.  It was such a close and intimate moment in our friendship.  It’s a betrayal that he’s using that against me now.  I did ask him about making friends, but I absolutely deny that I was implying I wanted to be in a romantic or sexual relationship with C.  Actually, C seemed really hurt when I asked him about making new friends.  It crossed my mind that he might have a romantic interest in me, because he seemed really jealous to hear I wanted to make new male friends.  I should be the one complaining about him! 

Yes, I did start hugging C more frequently after the gala.  C forgot to mention the gala’s main topic was “Integrating into the United States: Successes and Improvements.”  Widget hired an expert to assess the climate at our first U.S. office location, and she presented the results at the gala.  One of her main points was U.S. employees view Chinese executives as impersonal because we are used to the more formal business environment in China.  She encouraged us to practice warmth and personal connection with our reports to ease our transition into the U.S.  C always described himself as a “hugger,” so I made the extra effort to hug him when I greeted him.  Of course I did not start hugging other Chinese executives—hugging is NOT customary in the Chinese business context and they would be offended if I tried to hug them. 

I did get C an Oyster Perpetual Rolex for Christmas, but it was only because he complained about his watch breaking a few months ago.  C always joked about needing a Rolex to tell time because it’s the only type of watch that fits his personal style.  I’m not sure how much it cost—I just asked my other Executive Assistant based in China to order the cheapest one.  I was being nice, and thoughtful, not a sexual harasser!  I think C got the watch and realized I have a lot of money.  That’s why he hired that bulldog attorney—to squeeze every possible cent out of me!

AIBR?                        

Missed January’s Am I Being Reasonable? We’ve got you covered. Click here for the first of our AIBR series.